Editor's note: This satirical commentary takes a humorous look at agency management, office politics and the advice junior PR professionals sometimes receive.
AI-generated illustration for CommPRO.
Hello, fellow propaganda merchants, spin doctors and flacks. I've spent my career in PR and decided to write a satirical piece about management-employee relations. I compiled some of the most common questions junior associates ask, paired with the exact type of toxic, "trust-the-system" gaslighting that management loves to feed people. While this is written as a satirical essay, some of you might actually have been given some of this advice, as I was in my early days at Burson-Marsteller before rising to the rank of senior vice president/senior counselor.
Over the course of my PR career, I have been asked many questions by junior associates about the proper way to respond to agency management. I have always answered these questions honestly. Below are a few of the most frequently asked questions and my replies:
Question: "I've been offered a job at a competitor, and my supervisor found out. I was told, 'Stay here. You are much appreciated and will surely be in a supervisory position by this time next year.' What should I do?"
My Answer: You would be foolish to leave. Supervisors keep their positions by demonstrating to management that they care very much about their staff. If you were told that you're a candidate for promotion, you must have been favorably discussed at management meetings. You would be foolish to leave when you are so highly thought of here.
Question: "I play an important role in a flagship account. I feel that I am being underpaid for the job I do. What's the best way to approach management about being underpaid?"
My Answer: Obviously, management thinks a lot of you by assigning you to a major account. That means you're on the fast track for promotion. Be patient. I'm sure your next salary increase will be satisfactory, and you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Question: "My supervisor has never had an original thought. He picks my brain before we meet with the client or top agency management and then passes off my ideas as his own. How should I handle this?"
My Answer: Don't rock the boat by complaining. Eventually, the truth will come out, and you'll benefit by being a team player. And you should be pleased that your ideas are good enough to be brought up at high-level meetings.
Question: "My supervisor doesn't drink, and I don't like to drink. But when our client comes to town, I always have to go drinking with him. Can you tell me how to handle this?"
My Answer: It can only help you to have personal face time with the client. Having an occasional drink won't kill you. Just make sure you don't have an empty stomach and sip the drinks slowly.
Question: "The team concept baffles me. If everything presented to management is presented as a team effort, how do they know who does what?"
My Answer: Top management has a way of knowing who does what. That's why they're running the agency. Don't be discouraged. If you're the cream, you'll rise to the top.
Question: "Whenever a juicy account comes in, my group leader always assigns it to his friends. I'm always stuck with the most boring accounts. I don't think that's fair. How can I express my displeasure to management without upsetting the group leader?"
My Answer: Don't complain. Doing a good job on unexciting accounts is the best way to attract the attention of top management. It will certainly work to your advantage.
Question: "HR people are interviewing my group about the competence of the people we work with. I'm scheduled to be interviewed tomorrow and was told all my answers will remain anonymous. Should I answer candidly?"
My Answer: Of course. Remember, HR people are there to help make things better for employees. You can trust them. If they say your answers are confidential, they mean it.
Question: "I've been asked to consider transferring to another, much smaller office for three years. Then, when I return, I'll get a promotion. Do you think that's a good career move? My girlfriend is against it."
My Answer: Don't even think about turning it down. This is your opportunity to show management that you're an agency person. They'll appreciate it and definitely reward you. If your girlfriend has your best interests at heart, she'll encourage you to transfer. If she doesn't, maybe you should consider breaking off the relationship, because agency decisions are always made with your best interests in mind.
Question: "I've been here three years and have always been assigned to small-budget accounts. A headhunter set me up with another agency that wants me as part of its major, big-budget account. Do you think I should take the new job?"
My Answer: Stay here. Making small-budget accounts work catches management's attention and always leads to promotions.
Question: "My supervisor berates me for not being aggressive when pitching a story. He says I should keep calling until the reporter agrees to do the story. As a former reporter and editor, do you agree with him?"
My Answer: Your supervisor is certainly media savvy. When I was a journalist, one sure way to get me to do a substandard story was to have the PR person call me several times every day, because doing the story would stop the person from pestering me. Another tactic that always worked was for the PR person to say, "If you don't commit to doing the story, I'm going to offer it to another reporter." That always works.
Question: "I've been turning down calls from headhunters to go on interviews because the general manager told me at an agency social event that there'll always be a place here for someone with my ability. Should I take what he said at face value?"
My Answer: Of course you should. Have you ever known a management person here to mislead you?
Question: "I'm working on a major national, big-budget account and have discovered, through an internal client memo that was mistakenly sent to me, that the information my client contact provides and wants me to pitch is scientifically faulty and has the potential to harm people. Disseminating that information goes against my principles. I discussed it with a close friend who said that if I want to get ahead, I should always do what a client wants. Given the size of the budget, do you think it will harm my chances for promotion if I tell top management about the misinformation being provided and that I don't want to disseminate faulty information?"
My Answer: Absolutely tell management. Look, your friend is wrong. You don't always have to do what a client wants. Clients appreciate being told they are wrong or have no morals. Bringing the situation to top management will not prevent your career advancement. In fact, it will fast-track you. Management values employees who put principles above profitability. Remember, integrity is the absolute hallmark of our agency, right after billing hours, client retention and pretending we didn't see any leaked memos.
It's difficult for young PR people to believe that their agency wants to do what's right for employees. Many junior associates believe that office politics often play an important role in promotions and who is dismissed during cutbacks. That's not true. The HR department makes certain that there is a level playing field for all employees. Consider HR personnel your best friends at work and trust them completely. Experience shows that when an individual is dismissed, it's always in the person's best interest, and no favoritism is shown.
So this is my advice to all junior account people who see ghosts when promotions and juicy assignments are given to those who are less effective: You are not seeing the big picture. Trust your supervisors' decisions, and things are certain to work out for the best. Remember, this agency believes that its employees are its biggest asset.
To you young account execs who are reading this, don't fret. Remember that your supervisors and agency always have your best interests at heart.
Right?
